Time for a little introspection.
Confessions of Contrition
15 September 2016 @ 07:56 pm
21 July 2010 @ 10:57 pm
Tired and aggitated. Not really sure why. Can't seem to be content. Happy with my writing right now; topped 1,200 words for one of my stories. Found a good book on forensics to help me with another story. Wishful thinking to want to publish enough to stay home and write full time. Oh well, eventually......
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: some random tv show
30 June 2009 @ 04:23 pm
I really wish my body would heal faster. I'm getting bored and irritated with still needing help with stuff. I was able to get together items to send to goodwill and to a couple of animal rescue groups. I talked with Chris who is the head of Caring Paws Rescue. She was finishing setting up shop with a local dog groomer in town. They will share a building together, Paula will do grooming for Chris' rescues for free and they can be housed for adoptions. I helped her the past couple of days. It was bittersweet to play with all the kittens; fun because there were kittens, but sad because it is soooo into kitten season. I'm trying to call Cindy more often since the trial and sentencing is over. Brandon has been cremated and is home with Cindy now. She is applying for part time work which is good, and when she isn't doing that she is running around with her mother (Derek's grandmother). I'm still trying to figure out how they can spend 3 hours in a grocery store. I applied to join a writer's group on LJ but was declined. I was a little bummed, but I think the group is for established writers. I'm still trying to get there. I've been typing up poems and stories that I had written down in notebooks and am trying to put them in some kind of order. I was cleaning earlier this week and I ran across a pile of sheets that I had forgotten about. I've noticed that I have really sloppy writing. I'm hoping to get down to Carbondale after the 4th. The doctor said she most likely let me stop wearing my compression bra in July. That cannot come soon enough.
Current Mood: bored
Current Music: Caberet
23 June 2009 @ 10:14 am
Having time off with summer and my surgery has been most helpful with my writing. I have finished several short stories and begun writing a few others. I'm just trying to get to the next step, i.e. publishing. I've published a few poems in various forums, mostly being newspapers, but I'm wanting to submit stories. This is my problem, and I feel like such a freaking moron for not knowing what to do. I'm not sure how copy writing works, and if I need to do it before or after I submit a story. Also, I'm not even sure where to submit. I'm having difficulty finding out how to get outside opinions for my stories. I've shown them to my friends and family but because of not wanting to hurt my feelings they are not being forthcoming with comments. The worst part is that I know the answers are out there and most likely so simple that I will feel even more stupid for not having guessed them much sooner. My inadequacies are making me feel very inferior right now. I'm just trying to keep writing, searching the net and library for answers and remembering what Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: wonderful silence
16 June 2009 @ 12:12 am
Long story short; surgery went very well, just still tender, trial over, Curtis found guilty, sentencing was today, he got 60 years. I still want to kill him, and seeing him indifferent in the courtroom didn't help. He was asked if he wanted to appeal and he said yes. He was asked if he could afford an attorney, he said no. Yah, my tax money gets to pay for his endless appeals!!! I know it sounds horrible, and I know that America is an awesome country with a good legal system, but right now I feel like the whole family got fucked with this verdict. Is is inhumane to hope that he gets hurt in prison? Well, if anything, from what all the boys in the family were saying, Curtis is definitely safer in prison. I'm working slowly through my summer reading list. I'm also very proud that I have gotten a lot of writing done. When I go to Dragoncon this year, I will have completed stories to take with me. I discovered Trueblood. Derek liked it too, so much so that he called insight and ordered HBO. Have had many, many new channels and features to play with lately. I just wish my body and energy level would cooperate. I want to do many things, but I'm still not physically able. Patience is not one of my few virtues.
Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: dixie chicks - "not ready to make nice"
03 June 2009 @ 03:35 pm
I'm feeling very hypocritical right now. I'm always bitchin' about wanting nothing more than solitude, books, my cats, and movies. Now I have all four things and I'm still unhappy. It never fails, tell me I can't go out and what is the one thing that I want to do. My surgery went well. I was a little surprised about the drugs. They didn't work as well as I'd hoped. But I was also hoping to talk to the walls. I was knocked out nicely but then the rest of the time the pain meds just took the edge off. I sound like a junkie, I know. I go for my one week checkup tomorrow. I'm going to drive myself, the pain meds ran out on Monday so I figure I'm good to operate a motor vehicle. My mom came for two days after surgery and between numerous naps I discovered that she had cleaned/rearranged/poked through most of the apartment. Erin came down Friday night, I don't remember when because I was napping, but I discovered her burrowed underneath the spare bed blankets on Saturday. She stayed with me all weekend. I got stir crazy on Saturday so we went to barnes and nobles. Nothing like going up and down escalators on loratabs, kind of fun. I've been on my own during the day since Monday. I've tried to read but can't really concentrate. I've tried watching movies but get distracted. I try to sleep but either sleep too long or only so long as to make me more jittery. My sleep schedule is royally fucked. I decided to read Midnight Sun on Stephanie Meyer's website. I also looked at the New Moon trailer. I'm such a dork for kind of liking the series. I guess it's another of my many guilty pleasures. I've also discovered facebook so I'm having fun with that. I'm trying not to obsess about my breasts. It is just a week after surgery so of course they are going to look weird. Derek says that once again I'm finding things to worry about. So I found the solution, as soon as the pain meds wore off, I started worrying, so the answer is the dope me up. LOL. Time to go walk around the apt. for the millionth time......
Current Location: curled up in my mind at home
Current Mood: groggy
Current Music: van halen
17 May 2009 @ 07:44 pm
The insurance company declined my claim for surgery. "No medical reason". I found out that some of the paperwork had not been sent, so I spent this past Thursday calling my regular doc., my physical therapist, my chiropractor, my plastic surgeon's insurance girl, and the insurance company. I used half my cell battery on just these calls. I've been feeling pretty decent. I'm feeling better everyday about my surgery. I'm even fine with getting blood drawn to double check my system. Anyone that knows me knows that is a really big deal. I also have to get a mammogram for the docs to compare after surgery. Just really busy getting all my ducks in a row. Bills paid, medications filled, groceries bought, furry babies supplies stocked, ice packs, snacks, books, and movies. I want to make sure that I don't have to leave the apt. I want to talk to the furniture in peace. I was prescribed loratabs, never been on them, so this should be fun. I told the doctor I don't care if I'm awake or asleep, I just don't want to care. I'm also finally not nervous about all the activities going on for Erica's senior week. Derek asked me not to go to Brandon's trial which starts Monday. He is worried that I wouldn't be able to remember Brandon without thinking about all the bad shit that was done to him. I argued with him, my mom, and my dad, but I finally relented. I was slightly relieved because I was worried about it too, but I was worried that some of the family would give my shit about not going and not let me forget not going. Cindy, Brandon's mom, is doing better with her emotions than the rest of the family. Everyone but her would like a few minutes alone with Curtis (the guy accused), she says she isn't angry with him. She said regardless of the outcome Brandon is not coming back. My feelings are pretty tame compared to some of the other family members, I just think he shouldn't be allowed to live since he decided Brandon wasn't going to live. Some of the others would like to make him beg for death, but not let him. If anyone has first dibs on him it would be Cindy, but I know Jason (his brother) would argue for it. I'm honestly concerned that if this guy did get off, something would happen to him. Not that I would be too upset over it, but I prefer not to visit any family members in jail. That would be interesting trying to explain to the judge that he would be safer in prison. Today was a really nice day. Brandon would have been outside doing stuff with his friends. He liked to be outdoors. He's enjoying this weather, where ever he is.
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: "God's gonna cut you down" johnny cash
05 May 2009 @ 08:48 pm
Well, my surgery has been set for May 27th. I'm still nervous, but that is only because I've never had any type of surgery done before. I just have to remember that you get the good drugs when in the hospital. Hello mr. vicotin. Can I go play in Vicotinland? It will be nice to have it over with, I'm tired of waking up in pain and going to bed still in pain. Most days it's fine, but usually by the end of the work day it feels like my spine is on fire. School is winding down so all the kids are squirrelier than usual. I feel a little better after talking to the union rep. for all the assistants in the school system. He said not to worry about next year since my kid is graduating. He said I will have a job in the fall. I'm quite proud of myself, I wrote another short story. I haven't finished it yet but Derek liked what he read so far. I'm bummed out right now because I got a traffic ticket today. It was my first ever. I must be getting old because I wasn't given a chance to talk/cry/flirt my way out of it. I even had a low cut shirt on. Hell, the only thing he said to me was to get my information and to hand me my ticket. 115.00 freaking dollars!! Oh well, time for bed.
Current Mood: sore
Current Music: Fergie - glamorous
20 April 2009 @ 08:19 pm
Ok, first things first. I went with Derek to the fertility doctor to check on his bloodwork. He said that his hormone counts had almost doubled from the last visit. Good news. However he also told us that I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome (I know, I can't spell). To boot, he said that traditional methods of pregnancy with my syndrome and Derek fluctuating counts would get me pregnant right after hell froze over. Ok, so we talked Invitro. This I could deal with. However, my back has been really bothering me for a few months now. I figured it was just old injuries from work flaring up, but the pain and stiffness was getting pretty nasty. So I went to the doctor. He wanted x rays, so I got some done at my chiropractor's office and took them in. He said they were worthless so I had to get another set done. I went to the doctor the day after getting them and the prints had not been delivered. Over an hour after I had been placed in a waiting room, the prints finally arrived from about 6 miles down the road. I heard my doctor talking to a nurse in the hallway. He kept saying things like, "see this here, this is not good" and "that's not normal and that's permanent." Of course me being the ultimate pessismist I was trying really hard to think, "They're not talking about me." The doctor came in and started with, "so here is the bad news." They had been talking about me. Apparently I have arthritis in my middle back. I can't even pronounce the full term. I asked him what could be done. He said the pain isn't going to get any better and what damage is done cannot be fixed. I asked him if my injuries at work had caused this. He said no, that it was hereditary (talking with my mom last night, she told me that my grandpa had had arthritis in his back in the years before he died,) Thanks for the info! I asked him what I could do. He said breast reduction. Great, me the hypochondriac, afraid of needles, and hospitals, and doctors, getting to go in for surgery, something I have never had done. The closest I've ever had to surgery was when I had all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled. And the worst part of it all is that since I might be having surgery in the next few months Derek and I have to stop trying to get pregnant. No big deal right, we've only been trying for 3 years. What is one more year right? >: l So, long story short, (I know too late) I'm in pain 24/7, but some days are not as bad as others, with a physically demanding job, not a lot of savings in the bank, with a bitch of an insurance company that is going to make things difficult, (I know from other peoples' experiences at my work), so I have no reason to be stressed. LOL. My doctor told me I have a 60 year's old spine. I'm only 31. Yeah! Well, I go to a plastic surgeon tomorrow for a consultation and I have an appt. with another surgeon next month. I guess on the bright side if I have anything done, I'll be able to 1. get good hospital drugs 2. exercise without putting my eye out 3. shop at Victoria's secret (not that I did before) and 4. not be in pain. Well, I'm infected by my genetics, and hopefully I will be perfected by the cosmetics. LOL Oh well, rant time over, I feel better, a little, time to lie on my heating pad and sleep.
Current Mood: stressed
Current Music: testify - repo
05 April 2009 @ 07:23 pm
Erin gave me a new page design. Sooooooo pretty. I finally finished the Twilight series. I liked it but I didn't think it lived up to all the hype. Maybe I'm just picky or was expecting too much. Can't really bitch too much, she is selling books and I'm not. I really liked her acknowledgment page in the last book. She thanked her agent for "creating STEPHANIE MEYER from mousy, little Steph." I thought that was cute. I also checked Dragoncon's website and saw that Andy Hallet died. It's sad because I really liked his character Lorne on Buffy/Angel. In my own life, I really feel like I've wasted this entire weekend. Stayed up till 1 ish on Friday, slept till almost 2 on Saturday, went to bed around 1 Saturday night, woke up around 9 on Sunday and unfortunately napped a bit today. Maybe napping is a hobby of mine. LOL I will wait up for Derek to get home later on tonight from going to see wrestling at Hooters. Oh well, time to clean the litter box.
Current Location: home, always home
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: outside - staind